Tuesday, April 11, 2017

It's All OK

What can I say? I've been gone awhile. I go through these phases where I want to write, then I don't. I could play the busy mom card, which I am, but really, I get frustrated with my blog.  I don't do web design, so I'm unhappy with my blogs appearance.  I don't know anyone who can help me and since I don't make any money, except a few dollars here and there, I don't want to pay anyone to assist me.  I get frustrated because I see these other blogs that I began with, who have grown tremendously, and here I am the same. I get frustrated because my ideas aren't new, simply regurgitated versions of activities I did as a teacher or that I've seen on other "mommy" blogs a thousand times. I get frustrated because editing pictures takes so....darn....long..... I get frustrated because I'm frustrated.

I decided this is all OK.

See, besides ADHD, I suffer from depression and anxiety.  The depression, in my case, is genetic. The anxiety stems from being abandoned by someone I loved, plus some other things in my past.  They come and go, sometimes hanging around for months, other times peeking out for only a day or two.  It's not the sort of thing I can simply will away by thinking happy thoughts.  But I can accept that this is a part of me.  I can tell myself that it's OK to step back from things less important then my family and my health so I'm not overwhelmed and shut down completely.  Caring for my children and myself is more important then keeping up with my blog.  It often means getting out of the house, into the sunshine so I'm not bogged down by the tired feelings I get at home.

And don't get me wrong.  I have albums and albums of ideas I intended to blog at one time or another. I take loads of photos, everywhere I go, and during almost every activity I provide at home for my children.  But sitting down to edit photos and write tends to be overwhelming.  My mind wanders to other things, or I'm interrupted by my children, or it's simply too late (by the time they go to bed), and my mind has shut down for the evening.  My husband often complains that I'm simply too lazy to write.  That's really not the case at all.  I've been working on this piece for almost a week now and it's been difficult.  I'm forcing myself to get it out, right at this moment, because I need to do it.  I'm not writing this particular piece for anybody, other then myself.  I don't expect my readers to look at it.  I probably won't even post it on my Facebook page.  This is for me because I need to get these thoughts out.  I need to express that I'm not lazy, I'm bogged down by the swirling thoughts in my head and the emotions I feel so strongly each and every day.  I have a gazillion things to do today and if I accomplish one, on top of caring for my kids, I can pat myself on the back.  Each and every task is a baby step: clean off the coffee table, vacuum the downstairs, empty the washer, vacuum upstairs, clean at least 1 of the 3 bathrooms in the house, feed the dogs and cats, cook dinner, provide art/sensory activities for my kiddos, etc.  The list each day is long.  I don't mind cleaning and such; I'm happy and privileged to be home with my kids to care for them and the house.  But sometimes the amount that needs to be done becomes too much.

But that's OK.  It's OK that I need to sit and put my thoughts in order.  It's OK if I don't complete my list each day.  It's OK if I only post on my blog twice a year because I've decided that other things in my life are more important.

But I also need to make goals; goals outside of the everyday tasks.  Do I want to build my blog back up this year?  Yes.  Do I want to go back to work and then school when my youngest starts TK?  Yes. Do I want to have enough extra income to pay a housekeeper to come and help me at least once a month?  Absolutely!  Do I want someone to help me with my blogs appearance, even if I have to pay them?  Yes.  These are my goals.  So where do I start?  I start with the simplest, building my blog back up to where it was 5 years ago.  Back then it was growing.  I was starting to make a little money from it.  I was getting product reviews.  I was reaching people.  This is where I start.  Do I have a goal for posts each week.  No.  I'm not sure I can handle that yet.  Maybe I make it small.  One post every two weeks.  That seems reasonable.  Maybe I expand past my normal postings.  Instead of only posting activities you do at home or school, I open up to places we visit.  My kids and I love to hike and explore.  Since moving to the bay area, we've discovered some cool places.  This gives me more to write about beyond staging sensory and art activities for my smallest child.

Ok, I have to stop there.  Sometimes even excitement at what something could be can be overwhelming.

So here I am.  Laying this out for myself and anyone else who understands what it's like.  Or maybe you don't understand and this helps.  It's OK if you don't understand; being inside the head of someone like me is difficult to explain.  Just don't assume people like me are lazy.  I mean, of course there are times I am lazy, and I'll admit it.  But most of the time that isn't the case.  Most of the time I'm simply frustrated and overwhelmed because I'm unable to sort through the mess that is my mind.  I'm sure that's the case with many of the people like me who live with ADHD, anxiety and depression.

If I don't post for while, well, that OK, because I'm spending time with my kids or cleaning house, but probably spending time with my kids, because even this blog started because of them.

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